WARNING: My thoughts are all in a mess now. So forgive me if this entry doesn't make sense.

It rained the whole day today. So with wet jeans, my friends and I entered into lecture about 5 minutes late. Dr. Lee was at least, well...he was understanding about it. Tomorrow my friends will be ponning, so I guess I'll be alone again.

many thoughts and emotions

running through now since i woke up after a violent nightmare.

it's been so long since my last one...why today? why all of a sudden today? spiritual attack? or perhaps it is simply my mind.

once again

unexplanable.

it is so wierd because on one hand, you're struggling everyday, telling yourself that you can do it and yet feeling so wretched and helpless and...just downright tired. you sleep, you try to take a nap but you wake up feeling like you worked hard the whole night. yesterday i pleaded in my prayer, just this one night of rest yet i had a violent, violent, seriously violent nightmare. and i 'wake in a sweat and a hell of a fright', quoted by T.S. Elliot.

but on another hand, when you're most tired, people starts coming to you. and you know, no matter what you feel, no matter how crappy, you can't turn them away.

in the end

i don't even know what i feel. happy? tired? satisfied?

every tiny thing just irritates me. loud voices, indecisiveness...but i'm trying. really, i am. i'm not the most patient person but i try to be. i try to explain and make people understand instead of just wringing my hands and giving up. maybe i've scared some of you by what i say, by my frankness. but there is no point disguising or watering down the truth. what for? the truth is the truth, if you can't take it, then it is your problem. for example, the red curtain dance during easter production. it may be brutally terrifying to small kids and shocking, with all the screams and the faces and hands pressing over red lycra. but if this is frightening, what more hell? hell is so much worst than what we portray. perhaps we will never be able to see how truly truly terrifying hell is, as we are unable to see how beautiful heaven's glory is.

before year 2 starts, rachel and i settled down and prayed and worshipped and this is given to us- Isa 40:30-31 [Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.]

I suppose I am slowly understanding what it means to be weak but yet strong. when you're just so tired you want to cry but yet you cannot cry because you cannot justify your crying and you're just too tired to cry and the only thing pushing you on is simply that the next day you might feel better and that you're doing this for God...then you will realise you're just stripped out of everything.

My passion, my friends...sometimes even the kind of power that I'm so used to, being a student leader all my life. i was slapped, figuratively speaking, last night during cell because of that. and then you see just how darn pathetic you are.

And how great God is. i may never understand why things happen the way they did or why some people's actions just doesn't seem to be rational but i do know that God isn't a reckless driver.

I am humbled by that. I don't know if my message went across to the cell yesterday about surrendering. I was just so desperate to say it out, to let it be known. In fact, judging by the reactions i get...i don't think they understand. like i said, words alone aren't enough. you must go through it, you must feel it.

or did what i say too deep for the group to understand? perhaps it is...sometimes, that's what i feel.

when you went through it, you will see what i saw. you will feel what i feel. i'm not losing my mind or losing my senses. but such a topic as this, it is so so hard to explain to those who hasn't been through it before, i just felt like breaking down in front of cell. and it's so damn frustrating because you just want to slap their faces and wake them up. you want to be a great christian you'd better start sacrificing.

actually, you don't have to. when the time comes, you will be stripped away. i would even say, forced to surrender.

i don't mean to be bitter, though i was when it happened. i admit i was even angry when i realise i had no choice but to give up, if i ever want to serve God. But i don't regret. What is more important to you? which would reap more harvest?

i can only pray that when you go through this, your eyes will be open to see it, not from your point of view, but from God's. I can only tell you, maybe guide you but ultimately, whether you want to accept it and walk it, it is up to you. In the end, your bitterness and anger is only of your own doing.

there are so much more that i wish to say here but

i don't think they are appropriate.

i need time alone.